Not letting two decades of mistakes haunt me

[nemophilist]

I'm 22 years old and have wasted practically all of my life. I went from a bright kid -- straight A student -- to a porn-watching, weed-smoking, life-wasting asshole. Time and time again I would get "the message" of discipline, responsibility, and freedom, but I allow myself to become sidetracked and lose sight of what I want to do with my life. My vision of this life I want to create is still nebulous, but I hope with each journal entry, with each meditation session, with each victory and failure that it becomes clearer and clearer.

One that that particularly holds me back is a rare genetic mutation that ramps of the conversion of testosterone in my body to estrogen. This lack of endogenous T explains so many issues I have faced (low libido, lack of focus/attention, inability to gain muscle, etc). I have only recently discovered this and it made me doubt whether or not I'm naturally fit enough to be a man. I have gone on meditation to ameliorate this, but it will take a few months to see if it aids me. I want to blame years of depression and lack of zest for life on this disorder, but I don't want to abdicate responsibility. I am in a tough spot of, "If something isn't my fault, do I deserve the blame?" Regardless, I cannot allow this to control me. The medication is slowly making me feel the way I believe I was born to feel. Whether this gene was activated through nature or nurture, it doesn't matter. I have been packing on muscle and strength, perhaps not as much as the rest of the people on this board, but I have gone from 130 to 158 since graduating high school to today. I do not plan to stop packing on lean muscle and strength.

I look forward to seeing the community here. Where I live is a support-less environment, where the majority of my friends have just been potheads and video game addicts. I am in the process of either weening them out or getting them to go on a better path. I have a tremendously supporting girlfriend who is my staple in my life. I want to live a life of intellect, strength, honesty, creativity, courage, and bravery. I will not sell myself short nor expect anything less from others. If no one I know wants to lead the way to a better life, then I must take that role.

[mynewunit]

Welcome to the boards.

Weird things with testosterone is not my area. JP Dinnell has had issues with this because of the cerebral trauma from concussive exposure. Too many things going boom around him, damaged his pituitary gland.

Keep up the work. A few friends on the path will make a huge difference in your life. Some people think their future plan needs geolocations of the their dream job. That is not true. In fact it is more important to go where your desired outcome grows than try to get the public to know you are right. Get detailed in the near future, and one or 2 long term goals. My 2 missions sometime slow each other down. Then I have to choose between family and world domination.