Jocko Podcast 157 - When to Play the Game

[mynewunit]

157: When to Play The Game, When to Break The Rules. Ultimatums. Making Co-workers’ Shape Up. Coping with Loss.



0:00:00 – Opening

0:09:48 – How to “play the game” but also break rules when needed.

0:22:00 – How to get better with taking smack talk among friends.

0:30:44 – Dealing with ultimatums.

0:38:18 – Dealing with family not being disciplined when you are.

0:50:08 – Expressing yourself vs. Normal Face.

0:57:15 – How to show co-workers they should have UNMITIGATED DISCIPLINE IN ALL THINGS.

1:09:24 – Seeking council with others while leading.

1:22:25 – How to deal with getting overwhelmed as a leader.

1:29:58 – How to deal with the loss of a child.

1:51:43 – Support: How to Stay On The Path.

2:10:29 – Closing Gratitude.

[Jn395]

Over the past 8 months I’ve been going through a surprise divorce, based on topics discussed in the podcast, and I have been trying to find a way to take ownership and see where I really went wrong. It came down to me working too much, and training Bjj too much. The reason I worked so much was to provide so that my wife could work a job she loved that wasn’t high paying; but I never said why I worked so much. I trained bjj 4 days a week, and often missed meals with my wife. She preferred to eat earlier, and I made sure to tell her to let me know if she wanted me to stay home, because I wouldn’t know any other way. She never spoke up once. This was, according to her, is the main reason behind her leaving. How do I take ownership for that? If anyone has any advice, I’ll gladly take it. Unfortunately the marriage is unsalvagable, and frankly I should have detached before proposing, and it would have been better to not get married. Thankfully, no kids. Thanks everyone.

[mynewunit]

First of all sorry bro. Divorce is hard in ways that are hard to measure. There have been some good posts from guys with more experience than me.

My brother had a similar experience to yours. The honest answer is that we all have an idea of what marriage is. The problem is getting that out of our head so we can show it to our spouse or prospective spouse. Then we need to get a look at theirs. Then once you are in the thick of it, you need to keep tabs on what is going well, what isn't, what needs to change now, and what needs to change later.

I recommend marriage work. It can be a book study, working with a coach, councillor or therapist, or Marriage retreats. These are a great way to work on your relationship in good time and bad. If you are always improving you relationship, it will be strong enough to take a hit every now and then.

That Being Said, what did you do wrong? The answer is that you would have to measure that with her answers. Did She value your sacrifices or what you thought were sacrifices? Did one of her needs change? Offer we feel validated or connected at work or some other area of life. If that changes, we feel unfulfilled. It takes a highly observeant spouse to detect these types of changes. That might have happened and she didn't notice, you didn't notice and everything felt wrong. Maybe the time away from you was more costly than keeping her job. It is hard to know the answers if she never asked them of herself.

Lets say you were the leader of your family. It would be your job to know your team members. You would teach them how to be members of the team and help the team support the members. As the leader, it is your job to fill in the gaps and prioritize outcomes. You didn't take care of the team member. You didn't know something was wrong. That is the ultimate leadership failure.
That feels harsh, but it is a very common cause of divorce. Some people call this drifting apart. Maybe ignoring problems. You have to create opportunities for team members to voice problems. And their participation is based upon how you accept those problems.
I am good at getting my daughters to tell me their problems. A lot of it has to do with how I react. You want their problem to hurt you. I am sad your boss left. I am mad at your sister too. School is hard. Let me know if I can sit with you and help or listen.
Keep your chin up. Be generous and appreciative. Keep the routine and let it slip every once in a while. Let us know if we can help.