Post by sithtiger on Oct 24, 2018 2:53:30 GMT -8
Hi, my name is Kevin, I use the nick Sithtiger. I'm interested in MMA, I'm a 2nd Dan in Taekwondo. I'm married with one child. Now for the fun stuff (sarcasm). I have Bipolar II with severe depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (recently in the past 3 years) which is really drug induced Anxiety Disorder. Also, to my great disdain, I'm on permanent disability due to Bipolar II. I tried to commit suicide 18 years ago in 2000, but can become suicidal at any moment. I never wanted to be on disability. I worked for 6 years before I broke, so I didn't just wake up one day and say I don't feel good I want to kick back and watch movies and play games.
When my Bipolar came on me, it seemed like it was overnight, but as I look back, it was a slow build, but then it just hit me. You have to first believe that mental disorders are real. I only say that because so many people believe, you're just weak. I don't think it's weak when you have these mental disorders and you're going to college 5 days a week. I got up at 6AM every day, drove 2 hours to get to school, so that's 4 hours, 5 days a week. I also worked and I was doing TKD, working out. I got my 2 Certified Network Admin certifications, but I only had one more year and I would have had a bachelors degree in computer science. I have a bachelor's of theology degree too.
My psychiatrist sucks, but I'm afraid to go to another psychiatrist for a couple of reasons. One, I used to self-medicate using Vicodin. I got hooked. At my peak, I was taking 20 pills a day. I went to rehab a couple of times, but when I finally got off, I was actually at my peak, taking 20 pills a day and I stopped cold turkey. They put me on Subutex and it worked great. 2mg a day, which is very little, but ironically for me it was enough. Something changed a few years ago and the Subutex stopped working. I started having withdrawal effects and I wasn't abusing my meds and my p-doc actually told me to increase the dosage, which made it worse. I went back to what I was taking and even went down to 1mg a day. Things got worse. I started having these "panic attacks", but they're not normal panic attacks. They last for hours, days, up to a couple weeks. I'm not exaggerating either, in the least. The intensity changes, but I'd get them, but they last abnormally long. I figured out that the Subutex was the cause of the abnormal panic attacks. So, it seems easy...just stop taking Subutex, right? Wrong. Well, there was a time when I stopped Subutex and had I stayed off it, my current situation wouldn't be a problem and that's the panic attacks, but I'm relying on my p-doc and my primary said the same thing. Well, I learned that while I don't know more than doctors, most of the time (in my experience), they either don't care or incompetent, overbooked or a combination of all of this. I started learning medical terms, learned how to diagnose some conditions, can read lab tests and sometimes imaging tests. My point is, I figured out a temporary fix, which was taking Xanax. I already was prescribed Xanax, but it was 0.25mg twice a day, which doesn't do shit. I never thought to up the dosage. I was listening to my doctors until I figured out, they don't know (or don't care) nearly as much you think they do.
My blood pressure also started to go up. They thought it was my cholesterol, bad eating. It wasn't. It was the extreme amount of stress I was going through. Once I figured out a cocktail of drugs, it negated 85 to 95% of the bad effects the Subutex was giving me. The reason I haven't stopped taking Subutex is because so far, this medication was the ONLY medication that helped me. Subutex (or Buprenorphine as it's called generically) is a partial opiate, but it's also part synthetic and it has a ceiling effect of 16mg I believe. If you take any more, it's not supposed to do anything. It doesn't matter though, the dosage I take, it doesn't make you high, you just feel "ok", but the problem is it doesn't help me against just normal bad stuff that happens in life. It only helps when everything is going Ok.
I even went to my p-doc and demanded ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy), which seemed very promising when looking at people's remarks who've done it. I did not have the same responses...well at least in terms of making me feel good. People would remark that it made them more creative and in a way that actually did happen to me and thankful for that. The positive effect it had on me (and I'm not trying to be arrogant) is it seems to have opened up my mind.....that is allowed more neural pathways to be made. It seemed to make me smarter. My IQ went from 110 - 115 to 120 - 129. It's not just IQ tests, but as I said...learning. This has helped me in a lot of situations, but I've come to a place. It seems I've come full circle. My body/brain chemistry has changed again. I believe antidepressants that didn't work before, might work now, but I've got a real obstacle in the way and that's the Subutex. I believe I need to stop taking it so the other meds can work.
My problem is I'm scared....real scared. It's not often that you look back and you know the worst thing you've ever faced in your life and you can look back and remember that, but it's Ok because it's over now. My problem is going off the Subutex was the worst thing in my life. I even went off Subutex CT too, but there was one reason why I was able to do that. I was in a state of Hypomania. That state is so strong that I'd compare it to the discipline of a Navy Seal. I can't personally say what that's like, but I'm trying to put it into terms that you guys can understand. Hypomania is only needing 3 or 4 hours of sleep, sometimes none and being fresh. It allows you to not only be mentally stronger and faster, but physically as well. I documented this when it was happening. This is not to be confused with full-blown Mania when you're so high from your own chemicals in your brain, but you might think you can fly or your God....something like that. Hypomania is below that, but not losing control, but your inhibitions are lowered a little like being drunk, but fortunately, I didn't do anything wrong during that time. I rarely have these moments, but the one I'm speaking of happened when I finally quit taking Vicodin after 7 years. Normally, going through withdrawals like that is horrible. Being Hypomanic, it's more like having a light headache. You barely need to eat. If I had that now, then yeah, I could do it, because that episode I had lasted for 9 months straight. No, I don't do anything small apparently.
My question is how do I overcome something that is real. It is about how you feel, but not some lazy feeling, much more than that. If I took Jocko Willink or any other highly disciplined person, dropped all your brain chemical levels bottomed them out, how could you crawl out of that hole? This is like being so intoxicated that you could pass out and then you have to pass a sobriety test. You know, walk a straight line, touch your nose with your fingers with your arms stretched out, say the Alphabet backward...etc. How do you do that? See, even if I can stop the Subutex (and now the Xanax) these drugs like Lexapro, Pristiq, Trintellix, Zoloft etc. And if they don't work, what then? Well, first things, first. How do I get off Subutex and Xanax? Keep in mind, simply just doing it, like you guys do, don't work like it does for you. I also know what it's like (minus the military training, but to have discipline). An example is if I'm Hypomanic, I might wake up feeling bad, but I'm able to make myself do it...in this case....work out. Do you know why? I can't explain it, I'm just able to push myself. Turn that around, when I'm really depressed, having breathing problems, feeling like I'm going to die or let's take it down a few notches. The breathing is Ok, I force myself to the gym, I work out..it's horrible. Most of the time, when you do get to the gym, then it gets better, you get into it and you feel better afterward. Well, if I'm feeling well enough, then I feel that too, but I'm feeling really bad...the gym doesn't help, nothing does.
One last anomalous reaction I'm having to this weird Subutex problem that's almost completely fixed by Xanax and Propranolol (my blood pressure medication, which is a beta blocker, which helps anxiety). If I take any opiates now...ANY, it makes me deathly sick. It's as if I'm allergic to them, but without an Anaphylactic shock. This extends to some antibiotics, even Tumeric and prescription Estrogen blockers or balancers like Anastrozole or Tamoxifen. It's like I've taken Naloxone. The drug that pushes an opiate out of your body, similar to what EMT's give to people who have overdosed and give them a shot of Narcan. I asked my doctor for Naloxone. I went off all my meds at once, trying to identify the medication causing my breathing problems. I believed it was a drug causing this and I was right. Anyway, after being off Subutex for 2 months straight, I took one Nalaxone pill and in less than 5 minutes broke out with beads of sweat on my face and body. It made no sense. I hadn't taken Subutex in two months, nor was I taking any other opiate or drug. Subutex causes conflict with other drugs in completely different classes. It's not impossible, because it's happening to me and I can't be the first person this has happened to, yet no doctor can tell me why. They think I'm either lying about what I'm taking, making the whole thing up, but it's real and I know that Subutex is the cause.
I've just seen Jocko Willink today and I'd vote for him as president. I'm sorry, but I can't stand Trump. I read that people have asked him to run before and Jocko's answer was, America would have to be in a really bad place. I think it already is. Trump is a blatant liar, and yes I know most politicians are. I'm not anti-Republican too. I'm a swing voter. I voted for Bernie. He wasn't my favorite...there were no favorites this time around, but Trump is a narcissist of the worst kind. Jocko said, it's not just the president's fault either, but those around him (I'm paraphrasing) and that's true, so, just hire trustworthy, honest people to your cabinet! Now that Trump was elected, this has opened the door for anyone. I wouldn't think Kanye West would stand a chance, but now...my God...I can't imagine him getting elected. I can't believe I'm worried about Kanye West getting elected. I'd feel better if pretty much any other Republican was in office besides Trump. A Democrat would do fine too right now, except Hillary. I just want someone else at the helm. I realize that there are probably most people in the armed forces here and you respect the president. I get that. I understand about respecting the office, but this man. I don't mean to ruffle feathers, I'm just saying, we need someone worthy. Trump is NOT that person!
Well, I didn't plan this type of introduction. I'm looking for a way out. I don't just sit around and let the doctors do nothing. I did that for over 20 years. I'm 46 and learned that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself, but this is a bit like a computer trying to diagnose and fix a problem with its CPU. That's pretty hard to do when the CPU is the problem. Unfortunately, I can't just swap out a new one. I love, build, repair and play with computers too, but my mental problems even interfere with the things I like to do, like being with my family.
Somewhere, there's someone out there that can help me. I know this problem isn't unique to me. I'm speaking of the Subutex problem, not the Bipolar one. I just need answers and they're out there. If no one can help me, then I'll find it. I don't know how, but I will. I found a a temporary fix with no medical training and while I'm no doctor, I've learned a great many things. I will find the answer! Nice to meet everyone.
When my Bipolar came on me, it seemed like it was overnight, but as I look back, it was a slow build, but then it just hit me. You have to first believe that mental disorders are real. I only say that because so many people believe, you're just weak. I don't think it's weak when you have these mental disorders and you're going to college 5 days a week. I got up at 6AM every day, drove 2 hours to get to school, so that's 4 hours, 5 days a week. I also worked and I was doing TKD, working out. I got my 2 Certified Network Admin certifications, but I only had one more year and I would have had a bachelors degree in computer science. I have a bachelor's of theology degree too.
My psychiatrist sucks, but I'm afraid to go to another psychiatrist for a couple of reasons. One, I used to self-medicate using Vicodin. I got hooked. At my peak, I was taking 20 pills a day. I went to rehab a couple of times, but when I finally got off, I was actually at my peak, taking 20 pills a day and I stopped cold turkey. They put me on Subutex and it worked great. 2mg a day, which is very little, but ironically for me it was enough. Something changed a few years ago and the Subutex stopped working. I started having withdrawal effects and I wasn't abusing my meds and my p-doc actually told me to increase the dosage, which made it worse. I went back to what I was taking and even went down to 1mg a day. Things got worse. I started having these "panic attacks", but they're not normal panic attacks. They last for hours, days, up to a couple weeks. I'm not exaggerating either, in the least. The intensity changes, but I'd get them, but they last abnormally long. I figured out that the Subutex was the cause of the abnormal panic attacks. So, it seems easy...just stop taking Subutex, right? Wrong. Well, there was a time when I stopped Subutex and had I stayed off it, my current situation wouldn't be a problem and that's the panic attacks, but I'm relying on my p-doc and my primary said the same thing. Well, I learned that while I don't know more than doctors, most of the time (in my experience), they either don't care or incompetent, overbooked or a combination of all of this. I started learning medical terms, learned how to diagnose some conditions, can read lab tests and sometimes imaging tests. My point is, I figured out a temporary fix, which was taking Xanax. I already was prescribed Xanax, but it was 0.25mg twice a day, which doesn't do shit. I never thought to up the dosage. I was listening to my doctors until I figured out, they don't know (or don't care) nearly as much you think they do.
My blood pressure also started to go up. They thought it was my cholesterol, bad eating. It wasn't. It was the extreme amount of stress I was going through. Once I figured out a cocktail of drugs, it negated 85 to 95% of the bad effects the Subutex was giving me. The reason I haven't stopped taking Subutex is because so far, this medication was the ONLY medication that helped me. Subutex (or Buprenorphine as it's called generically) is a partial opiate, but it's also part synthetic and it has a ceiling effect of 16mg I believe. If you take any more, it's not supposed to do anything. It doesn't matter though, the dosage I take, it doesn't make you high, you just feel "ok", but the problem is it doesn't help me against just normal bad stuff that happens in life. It only helps when everything is going Ok.
I even went to my p-doc and demanded ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy), which seemed very promising when looking at people's remarks who've done it. I did not have the same responses...well at least in terms of making me feel good. People would remark that it made them more creative and in a way that actually did happen to me and thankful for that. The positive effect it had on me (and I'm not trying to be arrogant) is it seems to have opened up my mind.....that is allowed more neural pathways to be made. It seemed to make me smarter. My IQ went from 110 - 115 to 120 - 129. It's not just IQ tests, but as I said...learning. This has helped me in a lot of situations, but I've come to a place. It seems I've come full circle. My body/brain chemistry has changed again. I believe antidepressants that didn't work before, might work now, but I've got a real obstacle in the way and that's the Subutex. I believe I need to stop taking it so the other meds can work.
My problem is I'm scared....real scared. It's not often that you look back and you know the worst thing you've ever faced in your life and you can look back and remember that, but it's Ok because it's over now. My problem is going off the Subutex was the worst thing in my life. I even went off Subutex CT too, but there was one reason why I was able to do that. I was in a state of Hypomania. That state is so strong that I'd compare it to the discipline of a Navy Seal. I can't personally say what that's like, but I'm trying to put it into terms that you guys can understand. Hypomania is only needing 3 or 4 hours of sleep, sometimes none and being fresh. It allows you to not only be mentally stronger and faster, but physically as well. I documented this when it was happening. This is not to be confused with full-blown Mania when you're so high from your own chemicals in your brain, but you might think you can fly or your God....something like that. Hypomania is below that, but not losing control, but your inhibitions are lowered a little like being drunk, but fortunately, I didn't do anything wrong during that time. I rarely have these moments, but the one I'm speaking of happened when I finally quit taking Vicodin after 7 years. Normally, going through withdrawals like that is horrible. Being Hypomanic, it's more like having a light headache. You barely need to eat. If I had that now, then yeah, I could do it, because that episode I had lasted for 9 months straight. No, I don't do anything small apparently.
My question is how do I overcome something that is real. It is about how you feel, but not some lazy feeling, much more than that. If I took Jocko Willink or any other highly disciplined person, dropped all your brain chemical levels bottomed them out, how could you crawl out of that hole? This is like being so intoxicated that you could pass out and then you have to pass a sobriety test. You know, walk a straight line, touch your nose with your fingers with your arms stretched out, say the Alphabet backward...etc. How do you do that? See, even if I can stop the Subutex (and now the Xanax) these drugs like Lexapro, Pristiq, Trintellix, Zoloft etc. And if they don't work, what then? Well, first things, first. How do I get off Subutex and Xanax? Keep in mind, simply just doing it, like you guys do, don't work like it does for you. I also know what it's like (minus the military training, but to have discipline). An example is if I'm Hypomanic, I might wake up feeling bad, but I'm able to make myself do it...in this case....work out. Do you know why? I can't explain it, I'm just able to push myself. Turn that around, when I'm really depressed, having breathing problems, feeling like I'm going to die or let's take it down a few notches. The breathing is Ok, I force myself to the gym, I work out..it's horrible. Most of the time, when you do get to the gym, then it gets better, you get into it and you feel better afterward. Well, if I'm feeling well enough, then I feel that too, but I'm feeling really bad...the gym doesn't help, nothing does.
One last anomalous reaction I'm having to this weird Subutex problem that's almost completely fixed by Xanax and Propranolol (my blood pressure medication, which is a beta blocker, which helps anxiety). If I take any opiates now...ANY, it makes me deathly sick. It's as if I'm allergic to them, but without an Anaphylactic shock. This extends to some antibiotics, even Tumeric and prescription Estrogen blockers or balancers like Anastrozole or Tamoxifen. It's like I've taken Naloxone. The drug that pushes an opiate out of your body, similar to what EMT's give to people who have overdosed and give them a shot of Narcan. I asked my doctor for Naloxone. I went off all my meds at once, trying to identify the medication causing my breathing problems. I believed it was a drug causing this and I was right. Anyway, after being off Subutex for 2 months straight, I took one Nalaxone pill and in less than 5 minutes broke out with beads of sweat on my face and body. It made no sense. I hadn't taken Subutex in two months, nor was I taking any other opiate or drug. Subutex causes conflict with other drugs in completely different classes. It's not impossible, because it's happening to me and I can't be the first person this has happened to, yet no doctor can tell me why. They think I'm either lying about what I'm taking, making the whole thing up, but it's real and I know that Subutex is the cause.
I've just seen Jocko Willink today and I'd vote for him as president. I'm sorry, but I can't stand Trump. I read that people have asked him to run before and Jocko's answer was, America would have to be in a really bad place. I think it already is. Trump is a blatant liar, and yes I know most politicians are. I'm not anti-Republican too. I'm a swing voter. I voted for Bernie. He wasn't my favorite...there were no favorites this time around, but Trump is a narcissist of the worst kind. Jocko said, it's not just the president's fault either, but those around him (I'm paraphrasing) and that's true, so, just hire trustworthy, honest people to your cabinet! Now that Trump was elected, this has opened the door for anyone. I wouldn't think Kanye West would stand a chance, but now...my God...I can't imagine him getting elected. I can't believe I'm worried about Kanye West getting elected. I'd feel better if pretty much any other Republican was in office besides Trump. A Democrat would do fine too right now, except Hillary. I just want someone else at the helm. I realize that there are probably most people in the armed forces here and you respect the president. I get that. I understand about respecting the office, but this man. I don't mean to ruffle feathers, I'm just saying, we need someone worthy. Trump is NOT that person!
Well, I didn't plan this type of introduction. I'm looking for a way out. I don't just sit around and let the doctors do nothing. I did that for over 20 years. I'm 46 and learned that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself, but this is a bit like a computer trying to diagnose and fix a problem with its CPU. That's pretty hard to do when the CPU is the problem. Unfortunately, I can't just swap out a new one. I love, build, repair and play with computers too, but my mental problems even interfere with the things I like to do, like being with my family.
Somewhere, there's someone out there that can help me. I know this problem isn't unique to me. I'm speaking of the Subutex problem, not the Bipolar one. I just need answers and they're out there. If no one can help me, then I'll find it. I don't know how, but I will. I found a a temporary fix with no medical training and while I'm no doctor, I've learned a great many things. I will find the answer! Nice to meet everyone.
