Feeling like I am my worst enemy

[engelsdad422]

Hello Jocko and Echo,

I've never put a comment on a forum like this before so I hope I am formatting this right.

I am 44 years old and at a point in my life where I'm feeling desperate to change my behavior and thinking patterns before it's too late and what remains of my life goes down the crapper. I've isolated several things that I know I need to work on:

1. Negativity - I've always been one of those people that looks at the glass half empty, a pessimist. I think this Outlook on like was ingrained in me by my mother who is and always was the most negative and self centered person I have ever known with no concern about how that attitude affects those around her. Growing up all I heard from her is how she wished she was dead and talking about killing herself. Unfortunately these are the memories that stick out the most from my youth. She was always more concerned about how things affected her than anyone else. I think that environment has stuck with me my entire life and I have never really learned to cope with it.
2. Depression - I have suffered from depression for years and I believe it has been a great influence on all the bad decisions I've made in my life. My wife (3rd marriage) actually majored in psychology and she feels I am bipolar. Although I have never seeked treatment for being bipolar I have taken a SSRI antidepressant medication for many years. There has been long stretches of time where I have all my shit together and everything is going well. For example when I'm doing good I'm super disciplined to the point of being obsessive with my work outs, diet, and job performance but it seems like every few months something happens to totally throw me off track and when I say totally I mean:drinking more, eating garbage, feeling sorry for myself, suicidal, hating my life, totally falling off the wagon, not having the motivation to do anything but lay on the couch or in bed because I feel like things are so horrible. What's even worse about falling off the wagon is that I stop working out and when I do that I just sink further down the hole. It's always one extreme or the other. I know this isnt normal because I see other people that seem to have this great outlook on life and they have their shit together so why can't I be consistent and positive about my life?
3. Anger - I think this is a symptom of the depression. I'm almost always angry. I get angry at everything and everything makes me angry. I've thrown tantrums and destroyed furniture, punched and kicked holes in walls and doors. I've become so violent that my wife has threatened to call the police and goes and hides in her bathroom. I know this is not good for anybody and will probably kill me in the long run but I can't seem to get a handle on it. I've read books on managing anger but when it comes to applying those management techniques, I suck.



I just started watching your podcasts and there's so much good information that it makes me go all ADD so that I have trouble focusing on any one thing so I was hoping you could give me some small steps to take every day that could put me on the right path in dealing with these things and correcting these self destructive behavior and thought patterns.

Thank you for any advice. By the way I have read Extreme Ownership and plan on reading some of your other books.

[mynewunit]

Asking for help is a big first step.

Step number one: You need to know that you don't know what the answer looks like. You and I can't put on the Jocko mask and act like we think we are supposed to. You can put on a show for a few weeks or a few months, but then the dam breaks and it all comes out. We think that we should have the sitcom life. It isn't that simple. We have to start with what our life is. Then we need to change our life in a small way where we can be better than the day before. I would work on one thing for a month then focus on another thing. 

I would work on that list in the reverse order. Start with anger. Break it apart. Trigger, reaction, exertion, outlet.  Create a reaction for others. For me I choose a hoodie. Whenever I was pissed, at my wits end, ready to eat the next person who looked at me cockeyed, I put on the Red hoodie. I told everyone, girl friend, siblings, roommate, buddies, If I am in the Red hoodie, I need some space. That became the tantrum without the slamming doors, silver tongue, or scraped knuckles. Make your own reaction. I know authors tell you to take a few breaths, say your mantra, have a drink of water, count. Good for them. Try distance, and an external signal. Walk out to the car or truck, Grab your angry hat or Hoodie or something else and then try to get back to life with that red flag waving to all approachers.  Next find an outlet. Something with some sound, adrenaline, and sweat. Deadlift PR's. Clearing trees, splitting wood, demolishing palates, heavy bag, Kettle bell swings. Something that you can do to get that blood moving and focus that rage into. 

The long term answer is to notice when you take one step back. Today, the anger might be right under the surface, but soon it will be an inch deep. Then you need to acknowledge when it is moving toward the surface. When it does you need to let your network/team/self know. ASK FOR HELP.  Something like, "Hey Wife, Work is really getting on my nerves". Then she can say, "go to bed early" "go to the gym" "Call that weirdo from the Jocko Forum". Then you can have a little break from normal. Take care of yourself. Have someone help you put that piece of life in perspective. Then the anger will move down a little bit more.

Your wife is very wise. But it is unhealthy to have your spouse trying to fix you. Get an external resource to help with that. 12 step program. Councilor. Therapist.
 Other things that help.
   Good sleep helps.
   Quality and successful friends help.
   Self examination helps.
   Good books help.
   Good diet helps.     
   Good thoughts help.
Brother, You are worth it. Take help from those who can. If you aren't hearing no, you aren't asking enough. If you hear no about half the time, you aren't asking enough.
Failure is not the problem. Failure is the process. 
Sit with your wife and write down where you want to be in a year. Where you want to be in 5 years. Where you want to be in 10 years. Where you want to be in 25 years.
Then we will talk again.  You are worth it.