Hi

[stevemac5]

Hi, I'm Steve and it's great to be here

I first discovered Jocko in late 2015 when he appeared on Tim Ferriss’s podcast. Since then, I have bought his books and listened to his content weekly. Jocko has made a strong, positive impact on my life. While I was already training BJJ and getting after it in many ways, his books and podcasts have allowed me to better understand why these things are important, and to apply discipline to other parts of my life.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend absolutely hates it. She hates that I go to the gym, often dragging me back to bed when the alarm goes off. She also hates that I train BJJ and at times gets upset when I’m about to leave the house to train. She gets distressed when I play Jocko’s podcast, for example while driving. I could go on...

While I think the best way to deal with this is to detach, not let my ego get in the way, and perhaps think of a way to flank, I just can’t see how to resolve this.

Anyway, great to be here

Out

[mynewunit]

Welcome to the boards.

If you want me to unpack the Jocko aspect of you relationship, reply to this message. Aside from that, keep getting after it.

[stevemac5]

Sure, that would be awesome.

I keep coming back to the idea of flanking and not being confrontational about it. How that materializes is something I'm still to figure out.

[mynewunit]

First, lets acknowledge what the "best" response would be.  Erik said on the Trooper Project said it should be the response you got from your mom when you told her all about your favorite super hero. 
She is not going to get on the "program". She is not going to get on the Warpath. The end of Podcast 100, they talk about the little fishes playing in the waves.  That metaphor is talking about the world is a cold and dark place. The warrior is responsible for protecting the family, community and culture from those ominous things. The fact that our culture thinks that minimum wage is a big problem is a testament to how well our country is protected by our warriors.  Your job is to understand that, not to force that on your "family". In fact it is really the opposite.  If she doesn't want to listen, keep it away from her. If it changes you, and makes you better, she will accept it, but don't expect her to ever like it.

The fact that she is trying to stop you from working out or training bjj is something to study. Women are complex beasts. The first item to study is how your activities (BJJ, Gym) effect time with her. Does the 5 am trip to the gym mean you cant hang out at night? Does BJJ mean that she has to wait till 7pm to eat dinner? 

 Second thing to study would be her identity without you. She sounds codependent. If that is the case she needs a hobby. You need to be supportive of her hobby. If she doesn't have lots of friends, this is even more important.

 The third thing would be a guilt issue. You working out makes her self conscious about her body or life style.

Next issue: The relationship.  My generic advice is to marry the person who will become the person you want to be married to in 10 years.  If she is not on that path, think over her status. 

But what do I know, I am a guy on a keyboard.

[stevemac5]

Dec 19, 2017 8:02:11 GMT -8 mynewunit said:

If she doesn't want to listen, keep it away from her. 

I think you're 100% right here.

I've also been taking a lot from Ep 102 regarding detachment. In this situation it's wise to take a) step back and b) not escalate the situation.

On the other hand, if I can't go to BJJ without coming home to WW3, something's wrong and it's probably time to move on.

The answer I'm looking for probably lies somewhere between the two.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

[daniel]

There are many possible reasons why your girlfriend doesn't like that you listen to Jocko or that you train. Maybe it's because she doesn't like the military, maybe she liked you the way you were before, etc. The best solution, in my opinion, is to ask her. Not like "we need to talk" and make a drama out of it. But really ask her genuinely and calmly why she is annoyed. Something like "Hey honey, I know you don't like that I go to BJJ. I want to understand you. Can you tell me why it bothers you ?"

I think you should view it like a negotiation. You don't want to stand your ground. You want to understand the other party and try to meet in the middle (unless it's not that important to you)

[stevemac5]

daniel, you're right. I had the chat and she said something like this "I don't like who you become when you regularly go to the gym and BJJ, you take notes, make spreadsheets, and are generally more intense all the time. You become a different person' So in 2018 I need to keep doing these things, but get better at keeping it away from her.

[mynewunit]

Dec 26, 2017 16:00:04 GMT -8 stevemac5 said:

, you take notes, make spreadsheets, and are generally more intense all the time. 

Ha.
My wife would agree with "Spreadsheet level intensity" is a problem.

[daniel]

I would talk to her about it, you might not want to go to the "I'm gonna train behind her back" route haha. Maybe ask her why she doesn't like when you are focused, what you can do to help the situation. Maybe it's not the training part that is bothering her. Maybe she just wants to feel good, have some attention from you (but not the focused, spreadsheet, taking notes kind of you).

As always, talking, trying to understand the other person is a good thing. Also, what people say isn't always what people want. Like "Stop training BJJ" maybe means "I want to spend more time with a someone fun and not always in warrior mode".

Good luck !

[stevemac5]

Dec 27, 2017 14:33:31 GMT -8 daniel said:

I would talk to her about it, you might not want to go to the "I'm gonna train behind her back" route haha. 

No, it's not about going behind backs. I think it's more about waking up, putting on clothes that have been laid out the night before, going straight to the gym, coming home and perhaps making my gf breakfast (as opposed to waking up, crashing around and being angry) 

[stevemac5]

Dec 27, 2017 14:33:31 GMT -8 daniel said:

Like "Stop training BJJ" maybe means "I want to spend more time with a someone fun and not always in warrior mode".

This. 100%

[mynewunit]

Wise words from daniel "sahn". Also, like that profile pic Steve.