Being a leader has never let me down, until now.

[type1]

Evening,
Being a leader in the field and at home has always given me drive and a general reason to keep moving forward. That is, until late. Several big events have put upon me a dark cloud. I am a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a follower and leader. Maybe it is all those things finally stacking up, but something is changing. The next objective is becoming harder to reach. I can still keep up with the pace of life but no matter how many books I read to the kiddos, or how many burpees I can fit in, or much better I can outline the plan, I feel worn out and beat. This last year has been rough. I usually shut my mouth and dig in when faced with challenges. Yet, I am tired. Professionally and personally, I have achieved a great deal in the last year. The family is financially stable and the kids are well cared for. Professionally, my folks are proficient and on point. BUT, I have also drank more whiskey and spent more time sitting in the dark alone. I have had three major events occur that summarize my situation. First, I discovered I am not all my wife wanted in a man. Secondly, growth professionally has become limited and leaving would mean hanging some really good folks out to dry when a few more years is that is needed for them to be ready to take over. Lastly, I had a near miss in the field that made me question the depths of why I do what I do. I have sought out help through channels at work on dealing with stress but the bullshit pamphlets I was given were a complete joke. I think others that follow Jockoism may have been through similar episodes in life. I intend to wake up tomorrow and continue to get after it on all fronts, but I have a gut feeling that something will fracture and I will either end up a failure at home or a failure at work. I have considered everything from joining a monthly mail order herbal tea scheme that claims to be the ultimate stress reliever, to disengaging on all front and falling back to regroup. Any advice is welcome except for the macho shit about pushing through it. I've pushed through shit more times than some of you have had hot meals. I'm looking for some real insight on how to outflank this life that has me up so late posting on a web forum for advice.

[mynewunit]

Type1,
  Life is getting real.  Good news, you are not the first one to have this. You situation is unique but not original. Like Jocko says, war doesn't make people horrible human beings or heroic, it just exposes what is there.  You are in one of those times of life where you get better or go bad.

The first answer is you need to pick one aspect to attack. I am going to say that there is a lot of the first 2 in the last one.  Having "baggage" tends to stick with you. Meditation can help you be more present. I have a thing I do where I try to "see everything" by focusing on my preferential vision to remove all my thoughts and just be alert and aware.

Work changes: You owe your employer little more than your best efforts when you are there. Yes, walking out the door will leave a void.  I have heard of large companies taking the guy with 2 years of experience to replace the 15 year veteran employee.  I left a position where I liked all the people I worked with to get a company with a real HR department.  It was about 80% of the change I wanted. A lot of it was to have advancement opportunities.  It is not an easy decision. Work out the details with the family, get a buddy or mentor who can talk through you decision and specifically the new job offer. Understand it comes with new challenges, grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. This is only a real "problem" once you have another job offer. If you want the problem, look for a new position after you clear it with the "inner circle".

The marriage: This would be the first area I would focus on.  What do I mean focus on? Everything you can push aside or trim back. Workouts, Hangouts, Extracurriculars.  Marriage is a choice. You make the choice, your wife makes the choice, you put in the work.  I would recommend trying a book, study, class or retreat.  Let me know if you need some recommendations. 

The other thing I am going to recommend is get someone who you can talk about this stuff with. Find an NCO. They don't have to be an actual Non Commissioned Officer. Just someone who has some experience, has moved up from the bottom rung, but isn't stepping on people running to the top. My contact info is splashed all over this site if you want a phone chat. or send me a message and I will link up with you. 

[jj17]

I am new to this board but can offer up an ear to help as well. Not sure if you want a female point of view, or maybe that is just what you need... if so, send me a message and I would be happy to talk it out.

[type1]

Thanks for the feedback and general SA..No need for private messages. I know many folks struggle with balancing life, work, and ones self amd maybe they will read this. In response to jj17. A bit of advice from a woman is always welcome and your post made me think that maybe I had not really communicated my struggle with my wife. I was in the middle of a shift and just pulled my phone out and called my wife without any conscience effort. I told her how I was doing. She scolded me, of course, for not coming to her with my problems then committed to helping. It has only been a few days but she is certainly more aware of my mood and willing to help. I also did something this week that no one expected at my work. I told my supervisor that my folks were unavailable to respond to an emerging incident despite a very critical need. I have been answering the call for 16 years without much concern for myself or my folks. This was my breaking point. There really is a limit to what you can ask of people. My folks and myself, are at that point. Once I said no, my supervisor knew something was up and asked. He was shocked because I am usually the "go to". That issue is unresolved but I will work to resolve it in the coming weeks. I am sure he thinks I am weak but he is life long manager and has very little time as the guy on the ground and never made it to a position equal to mine. I could care less what if he thinks I am weak or tired. I know what I can do and I know he can not do it. I need to work on educating him what we really do in the field so the next person in my role does not have the same push back. As far as looking for an "NCO", I put much thought into this and talked to a subordinate who has been behind me for years. He is younger, does not have a family, and his finances are those of a single guy making $100K a year. Our problems are quite different but he has some issues too and we talked on a level we had not in the past. I am not much for personal talk but once he told me what he was going through, I kind of opened up. I also searched to see if there were any resources available through my work to help a guy like me out. I was appalled at the lack of resources. Overall, I feel better this week than weeks past. A few days of good work, a few gym sessions, and a few opportunities to try some advice are seeming like a good start.

[mynewunit]

Sounds like you are being vulnerable and honest, Good. This will make you a stronger person and better leader.
First, you are no longer alone. You should find it easier to handle your problems and the problems of others.
Second, This is all strange and new. It will wain in a few weeks or months. Don't feel strange about finding a new target to work on for a few months.
Check back in when you need help, advice, or something else.

[jj17]

Glad to hear things are starting to take a turn for the better, but remember, its not usually something that will change overnight. Stay patient and always have the thought in your head about constantly trying to improve. Its not some small thing you "do" and then everything is great from there on out... its a daily struggle to get better, consciously, everyday. Hopefully in regards to your wife, she will help you work through it as well. It seems like sometimes men feel the need to keep things hidden and fix it themselves, maybe being too proud to ask for help or a second opinion. We are there to help, even if its just to be an ear to listen so you can vent. Be open with her, we are usually pretty willing to help

[s2h]

Wanted to mention a few things that in my occupation I run into that my or may not apply to your situation but are things that some men aren't aware of:

1)hormone function ex:thyroid hormones,sex hormones(testosterone,estrodial etc), as men age there hormone levels will decline and when they do can lead to some of the symptoms described

2)Brain chemistry, be it from TBI,prescription drugs (SSRI/SSRE drugs),alcohol use and drugs that are prescribed for anxiety,stress and ADHD

Many of the commonly prescribed drugs for mental health work at first but can cause underlining or side effects and the user is not aware

Just a fyi and may not pertain to your case but something to consider

[type1]

Stay patient and always have the thought in your head about constantly trying to improve. Its not some small thing you "do" and then everything is great from there on out... its a daily struggle to get better, consciously, everyday.


This is very true. Since I originally posted, things have drastically improved. The advice given was great. Not all was implemented but all was considered. I always "get some" but now I am trying to focus that attitude. I have been epically disappointed with the personal support resources through my professional life and that has led me to a great supplemental project for the down season. Thanks for the input and if others are feeling a similar strain, please post.