Can You Create a More Commanding Personality?

[vivian]

Hello, I'm new to the boards and am enjoying the book Extreme Ownership right now.

Most of my life I've been in assistant/2nd in command positions. In large part this is because I need time to consider and think about the various angles of an issue or project before I comment or make decisions about it. Generally, leaders make decisions on the spot. However, when I work with a good leader they don't mind me being quiet and really appreciate the wide variety of options I bring to them when I've had 24hrs to think on everything. My boyfriend and I laughed out loud during the film "Hidden Figures" when a huge amount of money and planning went designing a room and building and delivering a supercomputer to NASA...only for the director to discover it wouldn't fit through the door when it arrived. He said I should have been in charge because I would have been all over that and all those little details of a project flow just come to me naturally. Of course I make mistakes! It's just that that is my strength and people keep telling me I should lead because of it. I'm not sure because of my personality and as mentioned in another post, being organized doesn't make you a good leader.

Everything these days in the workforce seems to be about leadership. "Must have great leadership qualities," "Be an excellent leader," etc etc in any job posting, and the loudest, most opinionated person seems to be naturally chosen and considered the best leader in workplaces (I see those are not qualities in EO though!). Being demanding, fast, loud, and telling people what to do is not in my nature but I would like to be able to lead to help the team at least within my position.

Here's my issue. I think I just come across as meek (in addition to having to stop and think about things). I'm in a position right now which is technically a leadership position. I'm suppose to help manage projects and part of the business. It's a small company and I report (loosely) to the owner/president. I'm willing to take ownership and own up to my mistakes when I make them, but here's a typical example of what happens to me:

Group: Ok, we're going to make a road trip! (I'm making this up to stay anonymous)
Me: Great! There's a few things we'll need to check like gas in the car, get some snacks and water since we'll be crossing the desert, etc.
Member: Ugh, all those details - yeah yeah you worry to much.
Member: Oh, wouldn't a blue car be great? My sister has one! (off on a creative tangent goes on for a while with everyone)
Member: No, we'll rent a car.
Me: Ok, don't forget to take the company credit card and you'll need proof of insurance.
Group: Woo, road trip later this week!
Me: Ok, we still haven't decided who is getting snacks and such - would you like me to make a list of what we need? (I might then turn to owner - what do you want?)
Member: Forget lists, I'll just pick up some food (ultimately forgets insurance card).
Group: Great meeting everyone!

Now at this point, we might run out of gas, not have food, etc. and the trip might even been canceled due to a problem I tried to bring up. Although the team is remarkably good at scrambling and averting disaster at the last minute which is probably why they continue this way and feel rewarded, it gives me a heart attack constantly because there's going to be one big important time they can't pull it off and we all go down. But here's also what often happens that demoralizes me:

Next day:
Member: Hey here's my friend from the other company I work with, she's an attorney and really organized!
New person: Hi everyone! So I understand you'll be taking a road trip. You'll need to think about things like gas, food, insurance...
Group: Oh this person is brilliant! Thinks of so many things! Wow, you are such a great addition for this road trip and the team! We should bring you in more often!

So, clearly something is going massively wrong with the way I'm presenting myself.

I'm not in charge because the owner is going to do what they want - but I should be able to be enough of a leader to get my ideas across and be heard.

Is it possible to develop a more commanding personality? Am I not taking ownership? Or should I just realize that I may not be a leader in personality? (I mean, there have to be followers for there to be leaders!). I'm always trying to improve but I'm realizing I may just come across too meek in my natural demeanor to ever cause anyone to listen and I may be too much of quietly twirling ideas in the mind for a day or two to make an effective leader.

Thanks for any thoughts! (PS I'm female which you probably figured out already)

v




 

[mynewunit]

Glad to hear you are getting after it a looking to take greater ownership at work.  You asked a good question.  I specifically like that you gave a reference point, (field trip) and a destination (new leader).  
So Your question. How do you become more "leader"y.  Can you create a more commanding personality?
Now the Jocko twitter answer would read like "Be more commanding" or "Be worthy of command"
For your specific situation, you need to fight a few things.
1. You are a known quantity: The team knows what "Vivian" does. How do you change that? 10 years ago we had cell phones. Now phones are cameras, GPS, books and messengers.  Take a step from "Vivian" to leader every once in a while.
2. Own the Mission: If you want to be the leader, every aspect is your job. You take an extra of everything the team is asked to bring. Tom Cruise brings extra batteries to all his shoots.  You can bring your insurance card and a case of water to a field trip.  
3. You are detail oriented: Yes you have to fight this.  You see a car as nuts and bolts. You cannot communicate nuts and bolts to the team. You need to communicate the car. Write down everything you need for a successful field trip. Get rid of everything that doesn't apply to every single team member.  What is left is the car.  Also detail people tend to come across as worriers, or pessimists.  Be conscious of this. Try the Roger that Mentality.
4. Meeting preparation: John Wooden says you should prepare at least an hour for everyone at a 1 hour meeting. So 8 hour of prep for a 1 hour meeting of 8 people. This will typically shorten the meeting, therefore reducing your preparation time. If you haven't prepared at least as long as the meeting is assumed to be, that should be considered a failure.
5. Everything else: Assigning specific tasks to specific people, Discussion of options, Attention to detail are all important. How do you handle these? You will have to change them once they aren't stuffed into a meeting, group email, or however they are currently handled. It needs to get the appropriate level of attention as the "Mission" demands.  

Books for More Ideas: Remember to click through the Amazon link. Or just try the local library.
John Wooden: Coach Wooden's Pyramid for Success.
Dale Carnegie: How to win friends and influence people.

[vivian]

Wow thanks for this - really helpful!
1. This makes sense - I think I'd given up a bit and just thought "either a leader 100% or not 100%." By pulling out leader everyone once in a while as I grow, it's not an all or nothing and won't put the team (or myself) into shock about the changes.
2. I love the Cruise story. It sounds like a good start is to just do a lot of things I know we'll need myself, instead of trying to see who else wants to do it (or allowing them to get away with saying they'll do it and then forgetting which hurts the team).
3. This is really, really helpful. You are correct - I'm engineering minded...I'm just not in that field. So I'll know that we need the .05cm hex wrench for that one funky car we rent (in symbolism) and I need to make sure we have it - but no one cares - they just want the car to show up. And you are absolutely correct, I've been accused of both being a worrier and a pessimist - neither of which is actually true! It's been frustrating when the reality was I cared a great deal and was really quite excited about the project.
4. Tough one - our supervisor never plans meetings and calls them on the spot which drives me insane because I can't plan and I find it inefficient but I'll try to work with him.
5. Tough one too - because I'm not actually in charge - assignments really need to come from the boss but he doesn't do it. No one really likes it when someone not in command starts giving assignments. I'll take a look at this and maybe approach him about me being designated lead on one project as a start.

Thank you so much for your time and recommendations - your comments were super helpful - and I'm so glad I came across this community!

V

[mynewunit]

You confirmed my diagnosis of Engineers Disease.  It is hereditary. I have it, All the males in my family have it and even my oldest daughter has it.  We sat it means you were born with a brain, a calculator and no heart.

As for taking leadership responsibility where you aren't a leader: Look for an opportunity. and in this case "Free Your Mind". In my department I am often looked upon as the group leader, but I am the lowest "ranked" professional in the group.  I organize silly things like a beer swap, wine exchange, internal presentations, vendor presentations, etc.  My boss also knows I will "champion" internal company exercises.  

What kinds of things could you do? A podcast for the company, or clients. A web page, forum, facebook group.  Maybe you could make "Field bags" complete with flashlights, bandaids, pencils, pens, sharpie's, safety glasses, water bottles, clip boards, digital camera's, etc. 

Important thing.  Do not "protect" the project you champion. Then you become the Web page person.  Train the willing to participate, eventually giving them that responsibility so you can take on the next project.