Jocko Podcast 184 - Q&A

[mynewunit]

184: Getting Over Severe Abuse. How to Build Relationships as an Introvert. How to Control the “Cowboy” Mentality. Chronic Complainers.

Podcast 184 Page

0:00:00 – Opening
0:00:18 – How to build relationships being an introvert.
0:04:28 – How to lead a person with a “Cowboy” mentality or behavior.
0:14:29 – How to handle chronic complainers.
0:23:10 – Changing your mind on important issues.
0:35:58 – How do you detach when you’re being personally attacked?
0:43:50 -What if you get fired after you take ownership of mistakes?
0:51:44 – Mistakes made in the past.
1:08:54 – Are you GETTING AFTER IT too hard?
1:34:24 – How to balance a dangerous job with protecting and providing for family.
1:42:55 – Getting over sexual abuse.
1:58:30 – SUPPORT: How to stay on THE PATH.
2:14:22 – Closing Gratitude.

[Elizabeth Knedler]

Hey Jocko and anyone else who wants to offer advice!

I'm the wife of a former active duty member. He recently transitioned to the reserves because we have spent our entire relationship in completely separate places because we met as I was finishing my undergraduate and was already on my way to earn my PhD in engineering doing device research for the DoD. We love each other and are committed to each other so there has never been any issue with any sort of infidelity over the years. He did almost two years overseas at various locations and then we were halfway across the country from each other but we made it work.

Living together now has been amazing and we continuously push each other on the path. We are currently on the path and have been challenging each other to improve in every aspect of our lives.

As I am finishing up my degree, he is looking at going back active duty Spec Ops which has been his dream long before I had even met him. I want to be supportive in every way possible and am super excited about him going after this because I know it will push him to be even better than he already is.

To prepare for that we have begun building up our home gym and have purchased gymnastics mats and begun drilling BJJ with each other. I know I am not the ideal sparring partner for him so we have been looking into gyms but most are over an hour away so we decided to ditch the excuses and just drill together for the meantime.

There are two pieces to my question.

1. What other ways can I support him and help him get to where he wants to be? Outside of asking questions my answer has and always will be 100% yes if he thinks it is the best decision because even if it turns out to not be lessons will be learned along the way.

2. My one concern is the high alcohol consumption that happens especially amongst the teams/units. While we were apart, he did struggle with a severe addiction to alcohol and our marriage barely survived it. I am completely ok with him being gone a lot and such but my hesitation sits on the alcohol. He's a completely different person on it and I still have a lot of bitter tastes from the damage done from before that I have to consciously work through whenever stories come up. Is there anything that I can do about this? I know that I have to own my feelings and push past and trust him but my concern lies in how easy it is to slip back into that addiction. I don't want that to happen not only for my sake and our relationship's sake but also for his sake because he self-destructs on it.

I want to be a wife on the path with him not watching him be on the path alone. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[mynewunit]

Thanks for posting.
1. How do you support your husband in his pursuits? Be very clear with your needs, wants and expectations. Being an engineer this should be easy for you. You should be able to take care of things on your own. Desire his input and attention, but be able to manage life by yourself.

2. This is a reasonable concern. The answer is to plan the solution before the problem. You and him draw up a plan for when he gets back, in the worst case scenario. If you already know which rehabilitation center to go to, which doctors will be treating him, and what the milestones are before he leaves, the actual steps will be less mentally stressful when you have to go through them when he returns. This may feel like planning for failure. What it does is establish an outer limit of outcomes. Design for the failure and the successes is not a problem.
He could come home with no problems. He could come home with a minor problem. He could come home addicted. If he made the plan with you, the big problem is a tolerable outcome. If he comes home clean and sober, great. Probably a good idea to have a couples therapist or marriage coach or mentor if you don't already.

You guys sound like high achievers. You are looking for help before the problem. Keep spending your resources on improving your marriage, yourselves, and each other and you will be okay.
Oss

[vonronge]

I like that "design for the failure" bit.