Post by diana on Apr 22, 2019 1:22:06 GMT -8
Hello,
I want to start this clarifying that I was born in Venezuela, lived in Chile my whole life, move to Germany to study PhD in science and got recently married to an American guy. He introduced me to this podcast and other. I've been listening constantly about how to engage, how to manage emotions, discipline, etc. I'm doing this because I suffer from depression due to some bad thing growing up.
The back story: when I was born in Venezuela, my chilean parents returned to Chile after the down of the military dictatorship. My dad started to work and we had a good life. At school I was ostracized for being a tomboy who likes martial arts, fighting cartoons, play videogames and climbing trees, but most importantly for asking questions about religion in a catholic school. I was kick out of sunday school for ask too many question regarding of thing I thought didn't make sense at all, my mother was nor please since she was too religious at the time. At 8 years old a Nun call me a crazy Satan's hoe for asking why the vatican gold wasn't used to stop the hunger in rwanda. I stopped being religious after that.
Fastforward, my parents decided to go back to Venezuela, where thing started to decline politically... At school at 10 years old and immediately was rejected for the absolutely not other reason that being too white, which I'm not, but they decide to make the 'Albino weirdo' their target. Some kids will gather after school just to beat me up. I fight hard every time. I bleed, when home crying out pain, had bruises everywhere. But I never beg to them not to punch me. After that, my Dad wanted me to be a tennis player, so he enroll me in a very fancy training place, kids there where not welcoming at all, but the teacher was very nice to me, that is not good when you have bullies in class. This kids were rich brad bastards they call me names for not having the best equipment, clothes, shoes. An older guy was constantly aiming the tennis balls at me, as hard as he could just for amusement, the same kid will call me a lier in front of the whole group saying that I was not coming from chile and probably my mom was a hoe that slept with one of the members of the school for me to be there. Yet again, they gatter one afternoon to beat me up, this time they were older guys with some other girls. They surround me in a big circle, they were planning to beat the shit at me. I was 13 at the time and scared AF. When they started, the professor came and literally save me. I told my dad about it, he didn't believe me and force me to go back every fucking day. I pretend to be sick, that my back was hurting, I'll twist my ankle on purpose not to go, but he send me anyways. When the stability of Venezuela was going really bad, my Dad obsessed with me and tennis and then go with me to practices. Screaming at me for not running faster, for not being able to make a point, to not win. The whole crew of mean kids was more than pleased. At that point I begin to experience lack of sleep, sleep paralysis, I was not eating, I didn't have my period for moths. I was feeling really small. Why was I the target of so much hate? I swear that I didn't mess with anyone, I liked to be on my own but they keep up coming. I was wondering if I was the problem for so long.
Then, the political situation in Venezuela got to a point where the opposition to Chavez was being kill or imprison. State police was created and they will patrol streets looking for some suspicious activity. We had serius economical issues, some days we didn’t have much to eat. Those were dark days for us as a family. The day that my family decide to get the hell out of there was when I was walking to school and the police star shooting machine guns to a guy that I knew, I have the image perfectly clear, 4 guys shooting non stop to Frank, leading his body unrecognizable in front of his mother that screamed so deeply that until this day I dream about her crying for his son. In a horrible mistake the guy they were looking for was Frank's neighbour. I will never go back to that country, nor even visit. The only thing I got from there was the long nights of feeling that was better die.
We came back to Chile. Everything went better, I make friends and start having a normal thinking. Motivation came back and with 15 years old I started high school, my grades were better, my focus in studies and planning for University begun. Until, my mother, extreme religious, meet two women that invite us to a breakfast and then lunch in their home. They started talking the same thing I didn't like about the bible, I didn't pay much attention to anything, just the food and the books that they had in their shelves. Then, out of nowhere they offer us, me included, alcohol. My mom was ok with it, I was not but felt forced to do it. We drank the thing, I started to feel dizzy and then I lost memory for 2 weeks until the school call my mom to know where I was. We entered in a cult, a religious cult. I stop going to the good school and my parents put me in a very bad one. The money was for them, the women, holy beings and untouchable creatures. It was obvious they were lesbians, and when they wanted me to be more close to them I got scared. they touched me when they were 'healing me' in my breast and vagina like it was part of some ritual, because, according to their visions, I will be a prostitute. 6 months of that and my parents realize that this was not ok.. We left, but my older sisters 26 and 20 years old, decided to stay because they were old enough to decide that. Then, started a crusade of my parents to take them out of there. From 2003 till 2006, I was alone every day while my parents worked in taking my sisters out the cult. I understand now why they did it, but they left me alone for so long, and remember that makes me so sad. I thought at the time that if I was the best student they will pay attention, they didn't. I thought if I was a bad teen they will pay attention, they didn't. Often I find my mom crying desperately for my sisters, it was super sad. I try to help her but she said it was not enough, she wanted her daughters back. I thought then, I'm not enough. I don't need to be here, I will be not miss. Why am I here then? I wanted to disappear. not to be alive. I didn't eat, sleep, motivation was gone.
Finally, I went to university. As far as I could. 8 hours drive from home. Finally leave alone, not to worry of my sisters goe, just me. My parents were not pleased, they want me to study in the college nearby, they didn't speak to me in 2 months. I didn't care! I was free. After that, the relationship with my parents improved. I was in the final year of my studies when my dad call me and told me that after 10 years my sisters where back, I was so happy. They slowly realise that it was a cult and they finally got out.
I graduated with a MSc. in Biochemistry and realize that I wanted to research in the cancer field. Worked like crazy in an immunotherapy lab, and started to do a lot of exercise feel great, top of my game. I enrolled in Krav Maga, running, gym, bike. I was in shape, staring to do trekking, climbing hills and mountains. I was feeling good. Then, my older brother 33 at the time came to live to my apartment, he was finishing his second degree and didn’t have a place to live. He was in a really bad mental state and we fight a lot, I thought it was just domestic fights but he will call my mother to tell her that I was out again probably sleeping with men, partying, etc.. I didn’t care, Until something snapped in my head. It begging with my mother calling me for my 27 birthday; she said ‘happy birthday Diana! how is your brother? have you take care of the apartment? he told me that you aren’t cleaning enough and you know he is really busy with university. You should help him so he can study in peace’ That was the moment where my head cracked, I got a severe panic attacks that day. Every day I started to lose my motivation, my discipline, my will to live. I started drinking heavily alone while crying. Once, we went out with some coworkers, and because I couldn’t control my drinking I recover consciousness when a guy was having sex with my drunk body. I felt stupid, how could I put me in that situation? The guy said I stared the sex so it was consensual. I didn’t pursuit nothing legal or anything. I just told a friend, who said it was my fault. Never speak about that again.
I started to hear voices in the back of my head, sometimes loud sometimes as a whisper. ‘YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE A LIER, NO ONE CARES, IT IS YOUR FAULT’
I went to the psychologist for 2 years, and psychiatrist for 1. Because of that, and medication, I got to travel to Hamburg, Germany to try to apply to a PhD. For a year, while I was applying, I worked as cleaning lady, dog walker and waitress. Until I got accepted to a PhD with a nice and caring mentor. In the meantime I met my husband, and american guy from Florida. I have never been to the USA, which is funny enough.
We got married in Chile and we are still in Germany until I finish my PhD.
I’m telling all of this because after I fulfilled my goals, after I recovered from so many thing that keep me down, after I found the love of my life… I have the voices there, always. I have the urge to drink until past out, I want to do that so the voices are gone. my Husband is carrying, compationed, loving. But since 2015 I’m going downhill. I have moments of clarity, but higher degree of bad days. I try to motivate myself as much as a I can, I listen, read, research all I can, I want to be better. I want to kill those voices in my head that right now are getting strong. Life is hard, the idea is to beat the game, but I feel that I’m stumble, I feel that something is missing.
Follow a routine, get discipline, eat healthy, do exercise, try to plan my work. what else?
I’m in a continuous fight to stay alive, some days I feel that I will lose. I don’t want to lose.
I don't want to lose.
Diana.
I want to start this clarifying that I was born in Venezuela, lived in Chile my whole life, move to Germany to study PhD in science and got recently married to an American guy. He introduced me to this podcast and other. I've been listening constantly about how to engage, how to manage emotions, discipline, etc. I'm doing this because I suffer from depression due to some bad thing growing up.
The back story: when I was born in Venezuela, my chilean parents returned to Chile after the down of the military dictatorship. My dad started to work and we had a good life. At school I was ostracized for being a tomboy who likes martial arts, fighting cartoons, play videogames and climbing trees, but most importantly for asking questions about religion in a catholic school. I was kick out of sunday school for ask too many question regarding of thing I thought didn't make sense at all, my mother was nor please since she was too religious at the time. At 8 years old a Nun call me a crazy Satan's hoe for asking why the vatican gold wasn't used to stop the hunger in rwanda. I stopped being religious after that.
Fastforward, my parents decided to go back to Venezuela, where thing started to decline politically... At school at 10 years old and immediately was rejected for the absolutely not other reason that being too white, which I'm not, but they decide to make the 'Albino weirdo' their target. Some kids will gather after school just to beat me up. I fight hard every time. I bleed, when home crying out pain, had bruises everywhere. But I never beg to them not to punch me. After that, my Dad wanted me to be a tennis player, so he enroll me in a very fancy training place, kids there where not welcoming at all, but the teacher was very nice to me, that is not good when you have bullies in class. This kids were rich brad bastards they call me names for not having the best equipment, clothes, shoes. An older guy was constantly aiming the tennis balls at me, as hard as he could just for amusement, the same kid will call me a lier in front of the whole group saying that I was not coming from chile and probably my mom was a hoe that slept with one of the members of the school for me to be there. Yet again, they gatter one afternoon to beat me up, this time they were older guys with some other girls. They surround me in a big circle, they were planning to beat the shit at me. I was 13 at the time and scared AF. When they started, the professor came and literally save me. I told my dad about it, he didn't believe me and force me to go back every fucking day. I pretend to be sick, that my back was hurting, I'll twist my ankle on purpose not to go, but he send me anyways. When the stability of Venezuela was going really bad, my Dad obsessed with me and tennis and then go with me to practices. Screaming at me for not running faster, for not being able to make a point, to not win. The whole crew of mean kids was more than pleased. At that point I begin to experience lack of sleep, sleep paralysis, I was not eating, I didn't have my period for moths. I was feeling really small. Why was I the target of so much hate? I swear that I didn't mess with anyone, I liked to be on my own but they keep up coming. I was wondering if I was the problem for so long.
Then, the political situation in Venezuela got to a point where the opposition to Chavez was being kill or imprison. State police was created and they will patrol streets looking for some suspicious activity. We had serius economical issues, some days we didn’t have much to eat. Those were dark days for us as a family. The day that my family decide to get the hell out of there was when I was walking to school and the police star shooting machine guns to a guy that I knew, I have the image perfectly clear, 4 guys shooting non stop to Frank, leading his body unrecognizable in front of his mother that screamed so deeply that until this day I dream about her crying for his son. In a horrible mistake the guy they were looking for was Frank's neighbour. I will never go back to that country, nor even visit. The only thing I got from there was the long nights of feeling that was better die.
We came back to Chile. Everything went better, I make friends and start having a normal thinking. Motivation came back and with 15 years old I started high school, my grades were better, my focus in studies and planning for University begun. Until, my mother, extreme religious, meet two women that invite us to a breakfast and then lunch in their home. They started talking the same thing I didn't like about the bible, I didn't pay much attention to anything, just the food and the books that they had in their shelves. Then, out of nowhere they offer us, me included, alcohol. My mom was ok with it, I was not but felt forced to do it. We drank the thing, I started to feel dizzy and then I lost memory for 2 weeks until the school call my mom to know where I was. We entered in a cult, a religious cult. I stop going to the good school and my parents put me in a very bad one. The money was for them, the women, holy beings and untouchable creatures. It was obvious they were lesbians, and when they wanted me to be more close to them I got scared. they touched me when they were 'healing me' in my breast and vagina like it was part of some ritual, because, according to their visions, I will be a prostitute. 6 months of that and my parents realize that this was not ok.. We left, but my older sisters 26 and 20 years old, decided to stay because they were old enough to decide that. Then, started a crusade of my parents to take them out of there. From 2003 till 2006, I was alone every day while my parents worked in taking my sisters out the cult. I understand now why they did it, but they left me alone for so long, and remember that makes me so sad. I thought at the time that if I was the best student they will pay attention, they didn't. I thought if I was a bad teen they will pay attention, they didn't. Often I find my mom crying desperately for my sisters, it was super sad. I try to help her but she said it was not enough, she wanted her daughters back. I thought then, I'm not enough. I don't need to be here, I will be not miss. Why am I here then? I wanted to disappear. not to be alive. I didn't eat, sleep, motivation was gone.
Finally, I went to university. As far as I could. 8 hours drive from home. Finally leave alone, not to worry of my sisters goe, just me. My parents were not pleased, they want me to study in the college nearby, they didn't speak to me in 2 months. I didn't care! I was free. After that, the relationship with my parents improved. I was in the final year of my studies when my dad call me and told me that after 10 years my sisters where back, I was so happy. They slowly realise that it was a cult and they finally got out.
I graduated with a MSc. in Biochemistry and realize that I wanted to research in the cancer field. Worked like crazy in an immunotherapy lab, and started to do a lot of exercise feel great, top of my game. I enrolled in Krav Maga, running, gym, bike. I was in shape, staring to do trekking, climbing hills and mountains. I was feeling good. Then, my older brother 33 at the time came to live to my apartment, he was finishing his second degree and didn’t have a place to live. He was in a really bad mental state and we fight a lot, I thought it was just domestic fights but he will call my mother to tell her that I was out again probably sleeping with men, partying, etc.. I didn’t care, Until something snapped in my head. It begging with my mother calling me for my 27 birthday; she said ‘happy birthday Diana! how is your brother? have you take care of the apartment? he told me that you aren’t cleaning enough and you know he is really busy with university. You should help him so he can study in peace’ That was the moment where my head cracked, I got a severe panic attacks that day. Every day I started to lose my motivation, my discipline, my will to live. I started drinking heavily alone while crying. Once, we went out with some coworkers, and because I couldn’t control my drinking I recover consciousness when a guy was having sex with my drunk body. I felt stupid, how could I put me in that situation? The guy said I stared the sex so it was consensual. I didn’t pursuit nothing legal or anything. I just told a friend, who said it was my fault. Never speak about that again.
I started to hear voices in the back of my head, sometimes loud sometimes as a whisper. ‘YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE A LIER, NO ONE CARES, IT IS YOUR FAULT’
I went to the psychologist for 2 years, and psychiatrist for 1. Because of that, and medication, I got to travel to Hamburg, Germany to try to apply to a PhD. For a year, while I was applying, I worked as cleaning lady, dog walker and waitress. Until I got accepted to a PhD with a nice and caring mentor. In the meantime I met my husband, and american guy from Florida. I have never been to the USA, which is funny enough.
We got married in Chile and we are still in Germany until I finish my PhD.
I’m telling all of this because after I fulfilled my goals, after I recovered from so many thing that keep me down, after I found the love of my life… I have the voices there, always. I have the urge to drink until past out, I want to do that so the voices are gone. my Husband is carrying, compationed, loving. But since 2015 I’m going downhill. I have moments of clarity, but higher degree of bad days. I try to motivate myself as much as a I can, I listen, read, research all I can, I want to be better. I want to kill those voices in my head that right now are getting strong. Life is hard, the idea is to beat the game, but I feel that I’m stumble, I feel that something is missing.
Follow a routine, get discipline, eat healthy, do exercise, try to plan my work. what else?
I’m in a continuous fight to stay alive, some days I feel that I will lose. I don’t want to lose.
I don't want to lose.
Diana.
