Family&Depression

[New Mexico]

I've read extreme ownership and loved it. I've been practicing its principles, as well as, listening to your podcast. But, I don't know how to keep dealing with nonsense.

Back story: I was a Civil Engineer in the Air Force and loved the job, but I was beaten and raped. During my recovery the AF felt I should take a medical discharge. I was honorably discharge and went home. I dealt with severe depression for years after and would never allow a male to befriend me. Five years ago I met an ex-professional fighter that I began training kick boxing and jiu-jitsu with. My then coach and now fiancé along with Jiu-jitsu pulled me out of the downward spiral I was in. I didn't think I would ever recover from that hole I was in. Since that time I've flourished. My career is phenomenal. I'm the youngest female manager for a major company. The VP and superintendent are grooming me to take their jobs when they decide to leave. Everything sounds great, but here is the issue.

I feel this darkness creeping in on me again due to a multitude of issues. 6 months ago I had a disk rupture in my neck. Since this time, I could not practice jiu-jitsu, lift weights, or do much of any physical activity. My fiancé decided he didn't like his job and quit. We are getting married later this year. I am now paying for a wedding, both of my houses, both of our vehicles, all utilities, and pretty much anything else we do that requires money. I've been prodding him to find work and he gets angry. He harbors anger if I am late getting home from work, going to the field to check on my teams, or anything that has to do with my career. Further compounding this, my mother is making my wedding a nightmare because she feels I should have married who she had chosen for me. 3 months ago my company bought out another company and the employees we acquired hate the legacy employees to the point they are trying to sabotage my team and other teams. Due to the acquisition, we are unable to fire any of these people for a year, meanwhile it is tearing our teams apart. It seems like I'm carrying this weight around me and I don't know what to do. I get up and go to a hostile environment and then worry all day about going home to an uncomfortable environment.

I love the books and podcast. Thank you

[mynewunit]

Very good of you to notice and acknowledge the darkness moving in. I am glad you reached out here, but also talk to someone near you. A sibling might be better than mom and fiancé.
I would only attack one of these problems at a time. I think making some improvement in one of these areas will help get a win against the darkness, so I am not counting that. I would focus on one for a month, then move the focus to the next one.

From my keyboard, I would start with the fiancé. It will also be the strangest and hardest. The job thing is a symptom, not the problem. You need to work on your relationship. If he will invest time, energy and effort on making your relationship, and himself better he is worth it. One thing guys have trouble with as "adulthood" approaches is that we think it is supposed to be easy. He needs to learn that this aspect of life will take work. He will also need to be building the vision and leadership skills your soon to be family will want. Being the strong woman you are, he will need to show potential and progress. When I work with married couples, I always tell them this is going to be work. You shouldn't be embarrassed that you have room to improve, especially in communication.

Wedding. I am going to give you permission to delay it. I have lots of thoughts of what weddings become and what they mean to all the people that are only somewhat involved. If people are fighting for their say in your wedding, then I would say instantly shift smaller, fewer people, fewer costs, fewer moving parts. If you do decide to get married before your wedding date, go for it. That should take a week worth of prep and texts to setup a gathering of the 10 people who matter in a place that is official and appropriate.

At work, it is a bigger project. First, start building relationships. If the team members know you and you know them, they will make an exception for you. This takes lots of communication, specifically listening on the manager side. I tell leaders to demonstrate the small stuff. Have time to wash the coffee maker, pick up the stray piece of trash, notice the little things. I do simple things like bring in some candy, some name brand pencils and quality pens over the staples catalog dregs that typically end up in the supply closet. These are a fine line, it can't feel like buying their favoritism, looking for praise, of making up for something you did wrong. It has to be taking care of the troops or good work takes good tools.

I assume you did or are doing some work with a professional after your rape. Maybe through the VA? If you aren't, it might be helpful.