Being denied on getting back into the fight.
Aug 19, 2018 10:52:42 GMT -8
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Post by pdog on Aug 19, 2018 10:52:42 GMT -8
Hello everyone wanted to share something I'm going through to look for advice.
I joined the Marine Corps at 17 and deployed to Iraq twice, and got out as a Sergeant after a five year contract. I got out for a variety of reasons the big one was because I wanted to become a Mechanical Engineer and I felt that because my unit/squadron was mission critical It would take too long to achieve that goal. So I decided to get out and become a gov't contractor in my field as a civilian to eventually put my self in the best financial, and personal situation to achieve my educational goals. The plan was after that was accomplished for me to go back in the military be it the guard, or Reserve as an Officer.
Unfortunately around the year mark I was out pre-existing medical conditions started to surface and one day my blood pressure shot up to 210 over 180 and I started to become delusional and before I knew it I hit the deck and started to go into a mild seizure. Thankfully I was just extremely confused and didn't lash out in any serious ways towards anyone and mainly I was the one that suffered from that. I was then brought to the hospital via an ambulance and my blood pressure was down thankfully because some of my friends who where with me where volunteer firefighters and EMT,s. The doctor's said that if wasn't from for them I would have suffered a massive stroke most likely. Lots of the underlying issues where because later found out that I built up so much personal stress within the two years of this event. Preparing to get out during my last year of service and the transition into the civilian world where the main causes of this is what the doctors now finally conclude.
Because of medical complications from this event and absolute utter embarrassment of having this incident happen in public I sunk into a very serious depression. I was connected with the VA and eventually between them and my employer who valued me deeply. Advised that I return to my home state and get the help and medical care I need under the guidance of my family. With tears in my eyes I packed everything I had and left everything I worked towards and went home. It was like starting from scratch all over again with no clear explanation as to why this all of the sudden happened so fast. Feeling like I lost everything as my bank account was draining and had to live with my parents as I recovered. Going from being completely independent since I was 17 about to buy my own home at 23 to living in my parents basement my depression turned into absolute despair.
The VA gave me a 80 percent disability rating and offered all the help I needed. My mother and my stepfather where happy and tried to tell me that everything will eventually be ok and that they will find out what's going on with me. But I just became more depressed than ever feeling like an absolute failure and that I was just being viewed as broken. For nearly a year my friends and family tried to cheer me up to snap out of it but I couldn't. One day after struggling back and forth with suicide because of feeling that my honor and pride could never be restored. I told myself I can just lay down and accept that I'll never get back anything I worked so hard for and just end it all now. Or I can accept things for what they are and get up and start to fight back. Fight back not just for myself but for my family and friends who where heartbroken to see a once strong young man be reduced to the state I was In.
Thankfully I choose the second option and I enrolled In college to dedicate myself fully to achieving my goal on earning my Bachelor's degree while working odd jobs here and there, luckily also around that time I found Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. Both these things helped me start to snap out of my depression and within the first month of me getting involved in both I got my own place. It wasn't in the best of neighborhoods and the building was family owned. But I was paying my own rent again, my own groceries, my utilities, and every other expense. Which although it was tough and stressful at first it felt good to have a sense of pride that although I am not in the best neighborhood and my apartment was and is not that much bigger than most college community dorms. It was my place that I was paying for and I finally felt I was moving forward.
Fast forward to a couple years later and I completed an Associates degree, and my Bachelor's degree. Along with going from delivering food for my cousins restaurant, to getting a job at a small company as a technician, to then working for a major factory as a technician, to as of this day working as an Engineer for one of the biggest Gov't Contractors in the world. More importantly I have not been on medication for over two years with Doctor's approval and he is willing to write my letter clearing me to go into the Reserves.
This is where I am at my crossroads road now. I am 30 years old so I am to old to go back into the Marine Corps as an Officer be it Active or Reserve, so I am applying to become an Officer in the Naval Reserve. They told me over the phone that I am very qualified but due to the 80 percent rating and it is not likely I would be accepted. Even if my waver was accepted and I was able to have my disability rating reduced or removed it would be a long shot. I was told to be prepared for heart break but didn't think it would bother me like this. I have fought with everything I have to get to this point and I refuse to give up. Until I am officially denied I want to try because Marines never give up or quit. But I am not unrealistic in the fact that this is a low chance situation. Regardless I emailed him my resume a couple days ago but have not heard from him as I was expecting.
My back up plan is to create new goals to help serve my country. And that is to get not only my Master's degree in Engineering and or Physics, but also my Phd as well. Get more involved with groups like Mission 22 and try to help other veterans get on their feet and or help provide them with opportunities in what ever way i can. Work as hard as possible and represent my country, my company, and veterans in the best way that I can. The back up plan excites me as because that path will have plenty of challenges ahead. But it still eats me away sometimes and makes me feel as if I am no matter how much I improve I am a broken man of what I once was. I know that type of thinking is toxic and dangerous but it still sometimes comes into my mind. Too combat it I try to stay involved with Jiu Jitsu as much as I can and focus on my work with passion and positivity.
My question though after all this is; does anyone have tips on what is the best way to accept and move on to another mission when the ability to proceed with your initial life plan in the end is denied? My pride says to keep trying my logic tells me to find another way to get back in the fight. My current job allows me the privilege to sometimes help train the Navy which makes me swell with pride every time I get to help out with the men and women currently serving. It reminds me that the comradery and bond of military life is like none other and the only thing that comes close to it is Jiu Jitsu. And I miss being surrounded by what is a sense of family that is hard to explain to most that have never served.
Thank you all have taken the time to listen and any feedback is greatly appreciated. To all those currently serving thank you and stay safe.
I joined the Marine Corps at 17 and deployed to Iraq twice, and got out as a Sergeant after a five year contract. I got out for a variety of reasons the big one was because I wanted to become a Mechanical Engineer and I felt that because my unit/squadron was mission critical It would take too long to achieve that goal. So I decided to get out and become a gov't contractor in my field as a civilian to eventually put my self in the best financial, and personal situation to achieve my educational goals. The plan was after that was accomplished for me to go back in the military be it the guard, or Reserve as an Officer.
Unfortunately around the year mark I was out pre-existing medical conditions started to surface and one day my blood pressure shot up to 210 over 180 and I started to become delusional and before I knew it I hit the deck and started to go into a mild seizure. Thankfully I was just extremely confused and didn't lash out in any serious ways towards anyone and mainly I was the one that suffered from that. I was then brought to the hospital via an ambulance and my blood pressure was down thankfully because some of my friends who where with me where volunteer firefighters and EMT,s. The doctor's said that if wasn't from for them I would have suffered a massive stroke most likely. Lots of the underlying issues where because later found out that I built up so much personal stress within the two years of this event. Preparing to get out during my last year of service and the transition into the civilian world where the main causes of this is what the doctors now finally conclude.
Because of medical complications from this event and absolute utter embarrassment of having this incident happen in public I sunk into a very serious depression. I was connected with the VA and eventually between them and my employer who valued me deeply. Advised that I return to my home state and get the help and medical care I need under the guidance of my family. With tears in my eyes I packed everything I had and left everything I worked towards and went home. It was like starting from scratch all over again with no clear explanation as to why this all of the sudden happened so fast. Feeling like I lost everything as my bank account was draining and had to live with my parents as I recovered. Going from being completely independent since I was 17 about to buy my own home at 23 to living in my parents basement my depression turned into absolute despair.
The VA gave me a 80 percent disability rating and offered all the help I needed. My mother and my stepfather where happy and tried to tell me that everything will eventually be ok and that they will find out what's going on with me. But I just became more depressed than ever feeling like an absolute failure and that I was just being viewed as broken. For nearly a year my friends and family tried to cheer me up to snap out of it but I couldn't. One day after struggling back and forth with suicide because of feeling that my honor and pride could never be restored. I told myself I can just lay down and accept that I'll never get back anything I worked so hard for and just end it all now. Or I can accept things for what they are and get up and start to fight back. Fight back not just for myself but for my family and friends who where heartbroken to see a once strong young man be reduced to the state I was In.
Thankfully I choose the second option and I enrolled In college to dedicate myself fully to achieving my goal on earning my Bachelor's degree while working odd jobs here and there, luckily also around that time I found Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. Both these things helped me start to snap out of my depression and within the first month of me getting involved in both I got my own place. It wasn't in the best of neighborhoods and the building was family owned. But I was paying my own rent again, my own groceries, my utilities, and every other expense. Which although it was tough and stressful at first it felt good to have a sense of pride that although I am not in the best neighborhood and my apartment was and is not that much bigger than most college community dorms. It was my place that I was paying for and I finally felt I was moving forward.
Fast forward to a couple years later and I completed an Associates degree, and my Bachelor's degree. Along with going from delivering food for my cousins restaurant, to getting a job at a small company as a technician, to then working for a major factory as a technician, to as of this day working as an Engineer for one of the biggest Gov't Contractors in the world. More importantly I have not been on medication for over two years with Doctor's approval and he is willing to write my letter clearing me to go into the Reserves.
This is where I am at my crossroads road now. I am 30 years old so I am to old to go back into the Marine Corps as an Officer be it Active or Reserve, so I am applying to become an Officer in the Naval Reserve. They told me over the phone that I am very qualified but due to the 80 percent rating and it is not likely I would be accepted. Even if my waver was accepted and I was able to have my disability rating reduced or removed it would be a long shot. I was told to be prepared for heart break but didn't think it would bother me like this. I have fought with everything I have to get to this point and I refuse to give up. Until I am officially denied I want to try because Marines never give up or quit. But I am not unrealistic in the fact that this is a low chance situation. Regardless I emailed him my resume a couple days ago but have not heard from him as I was expecting.
My back up plan is to create new goals to help serve my country. And that is to get not only my Master's degree in Engineering and or Physics, but also my Phd as well. Get more involved with groups like Mission 22 and try to help other veterans get on their feet and or help provide them with opportunities in what ever way i can. Work as hard as possible and represent my country, my company, and veterans in the best way that I can. The back up plan excites me as because that path will have plenty of challenges ahead. But it still eats me away sometimes and makes me feel as if I am no matter how much I improve I am a broken man of what I once was. I know that type of thinking is toxic and dangerous but it still sometimes comes into my mind. Too combat it I try to stay involved with Jiu Jitsu as much as I can and focus on my work with passion and positivity.
My question though after all this is; does anyone have tips on what is the best way to accept and move on to another mission when the ability to proceed with your initial life plan in the end is denied? My pride says to keep trying my logic tells me to find another way to get back in the fight. My current job allows me the privilege to sometimes help train the Navy which makes me swell with pride every time I get to help out with the men and women currently serving. It reminds me that the comradery and bond of military life is like none other and the only thing that comes close to it is Jiu Jitsu. And I miss being surrounded by what is a sense of family that is hard to explain to most that have never served.
Thank you all have taken the time to listen and any feedback is greatly appreciated. To all those currently serving thank you and stay safe.
