Extreme Ownership: Pregnant Wife Edition

[lampage]

Hello all,

I would like to hear from you all about utilizing extreme ownership when dealing in relationships. I feel like taking ownership of every outcome is absolutely key in life, but I could use a little help in applying it to my marriage.

Problem #1: She believes that everything is my fault. I own it and tell her I am going to work on improving the situation. I dont blame her for her parts. I try to make things better.It doesn't happen precisely how she wanted it to. She goes into a hormonal sceaming rage at me. I take ownership. Say I will work on this too. Repeat process.

Problem #2: Communication. I express frequently that we need to work on our communication to be sure that we are on the same page in order to avoid these conflicts. I attempt to clarify and reconfirm. Ask her how I can best support her (she wants me to just know).I offer to try counseling with her. She goes into a hormonal screaming rage. Repeat process.

I avoid asking questions which leads to more of Problem #1

Problem #3: Depression. I have a history of depression. I have learned how to fight it very effectively. I don't think that I would ever kill myself. I have lost friends to this and they have left me with a powerful lesson. When I get screamed at by my wife it puts me right back into the depression. Deeply. Then I get less done, which leads to more of Problem #1.

This problem used to be a once a month thing. In pregnancy it is much more frequent.

My bad thinking when she is yelling at me always chimes in "She knows this triggers me, she know I'll do anything for her (I reiterate this to her) without the need of yelling, or threats of divorce. Yet she pursuits. She wants me to kill myself."

Again I keep my deamons in check. Please don't worry about me harming meself. Just more to deal with. When I already never get enough done to make her happy.

Any thoughts on approaches to attempt are welcome.

Thank you all.

[mynewunit]

First of all. I laughed when I read the title of this thread. It is serious how it gets intense during pregnancy. I have been there twice. 

Problem #1: You are on the right path. Jocko was just talking about starving you enemy on the podcast. Now to set this up. Your spouse is not your enemy. I work with marriage improvement and we make people say to our spouse's "you are not my enemy". I might even say that to her if she is getting worked up. The answer is to deescalate when she is "raging". You can't reward that behavior. You do reward her taking control of that behavior. If she starts yelling, the right answer is not start rubbing her back. Acknowledge the behavior. Honey, tone it down, same words less intense. The first time you say something like this, expect her to triple down. Give her a little distance. Everytime she rages again, a little less interaction, little less response. More attention when she is under control. The correct behavior, and the topic of the earlier rage is to talk about it when everything is fine. This feels wrong but if there is no steam when you start the discussion then you are more likely to have an honest discussion.

Problem #2: Communication is the answer. A good thing to help communication is to read the 5 love languages. It will help you dial into a way to communicate so that she feels it in addition to hear it. One problem is men have communication for results. Women have communication for intimacy, to be understood and empathized. An experienced human being should be able to watch the 2 of you and give you a few pointers. Also, restate back to her what you hear her saying. I can talk for hours about how to communicate better, but these few things will have the impact with least work.

Problem #3: You are going to have to take some time for you. Something that helps, like work out, guitar lessons, reading, 12 step meetings, hang with a buddy. Success in one area of life can ease the struggles in the others. Your self talk needs to be productive. If you are having those thoughts, it is probably better if you say it out loud so she at least knows you are having that thought. If you don't know what self talk is, it is how you talk to your self. Sometimes it is deemed telling your story or similar. Your self talk should be more like "I am here to win, She is angry at the situation, she is not angry at me, She is not the enemy, I am not the enemy, Find the problem, Find the plan"

A "coach" or marriage mentor would be a good tool. There are lots of classes, getaways, small group series, things that you can do to help everything from communication to just defining what a good marriage is. Send me a direct message if you don't know where to start. 

[lampage]

Wow. A lot of great advice there. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I'd love some resources through a PM. I am willing to try anything! Things have settled down a bit. Her love language is deffinantly get shit done. I spent the past three days sanding, patching, and painting the baby's room and that seemed to do the trick. Thank you again. I am going to revisit the love languages book and attempt to implement some conversational strategies. Not looking forward to the triple down, but whatever it takes I am going to be a leader in our family for us and my son.

[mynewunit]

So her love language might be acts of service. The triple down is testing your new resolve. I tell parents that they have to be linear. If a kid knows they can out last you to get what they want, they will. If your responses to their actions are predictable, they will adjust their behavior accordingly. If you ever go nonlinear, then they start freaking out. If a messy room always gets the same response, they will decide the response is acceptable or not and either clean their room or not. If the parent response to the messy room is either a huff and walk a way or throwing things, they don't know how to respond. Same thing with adults. A consistent response forces them to change their action/reaction. To get the kid to clean their room, you change the stimulation. The Jocko answer is you help them clean the room. They have to help you clean, because that response to that new stimulation, you helping clean the room, is unacceptable. This gets a bigger punishment than having a messy room, or a linear response. You don't ground them for not making their bed, you make their bed time 1 minute earlier. If it continues, either you are telling the kid it isn't a big deal, or if it is still important, you up it to 2 minutes. The hard part is you being consistent and deliberate. After that, the next skill is awareness.

[mynewunit]

I see you lurking on the boards. Any Updates lampage ?

[lampage]

Jul 17, 2018 6:08:41 GMT -8 mynewunit said:

I see you lurking on the boards. Any Updates lampage ?

I'm holding our baby in my arms right now. Amazing. Things did get better. I just put my head down and got through the rough patches. I am going to write more soon. Thank you for lending an ear. Your advice really helped me.

[mynewunit]

Keep putting in the work. Take care of Wife before baby. Be intentional. Mom's rules enforced by Dad. Outsiders don't get a vote.
Welcome to the ultimate leadership position. Dad. Congrats.

[christineheaton]

Hi there.

I’d just like to back up what the previous poster said. The Five Love Languages helped me and my husband clear up a lot of garbage in our marriage.

We figured out his languages are time and acts of service and mine are physical touch and words of affirmation. Now we run around trying to fill each other up on those and we are a lot happier.

I know I personally misinterpreted a lot of my husband’s love early in our marriage, so I think your wife may be doing this, too. We women don’t always catch on that your constancy and providing are huge signals of your love. Some of us have to have that realization kicked into us by the likes of Dr. Laura.

I think the long and short of it is you are already taking ownership by starting this thread and looking for tips on how to do better. Hopefully these resources will put you on a path to solutions. Just keep in mind that women don’t “get” solution finding the same way men do. My husband and I have a deal that I’ll tell him explicitly if I want him to fix what I’m talking about or if I just want him to listen. Sometimes the solution IS the listening. I don’t know what it is about the listening that just makes some things better.

It’s like how Jocko talks about when you lead up and down the chain you do a lot of stuff that feels unnecessary to you, but at the end of the day it’s what helps advance the mission, because everyone has the information they need to give the green light.

Kudos to you for making the effort to be a great husband and dad. I’m pullin’ for ya!

-Christine

[lampage]

Aug 13, 2018 16:13:54 GMT -8 christineheaton said:

Hi there.

I’d just like to back up what the previous poster said. The Five Love Languages helped me and my husband clear up a lot of garbage in our marriage.

We figured out his languages are time and acts of service and mine are physical touch and words of affirmation. Now we run around trying to fill each other up on those and we are a lot happier.

I know I personally misinterpreted a lot of my husband’s love early in our marriage, so I think your wife may be doing this, too. We women don’t always catch on that your constancy and providing are huge signals of your love. Some of us have to have that realization kicked into us by the likes of Dr. Laura.

I think the long and short of it is you are already taking ownership by starting this thread and looking for tips on how to do better. Hopefully these resources will put you on a path to solutions. Just keep in mind that women don’t “get” solution finding the same way men do. My husband and I have a deal that I’ll tell him explicitly if I want him to fix what I’m talking about or if I just want him to listen. Sometimes the solution IS the listening. I don’t know what it is about the listening that just makes some things better.

It’s like how Jocko talks about when you lead up and down the chain you do a lot of stuff that feels unnecessary to you, but at the end of the day it’s what helps advance the mission, because everyone has the information they need to give the green light.

Kudos to you for making the effort to be a great husband and dad. I’m pullin’ for ya!

-Christine

Great perspective. Thank you for sharing.

The listening to a problem and not working on a solution is absolutely something that I need to work on. I just want to jump to planning a solution.

As for love languages I think that it is great that you were able to utilize that. I am having trouble. Acts of service is her love language, but she holds herself to such a high standard and does not give herself credit. She constantly whips herself to improve. This makes her an incredible athlete, and amazing mom, and great future doctor. When I do my acts of service (which I bust my ass at) I often get told I have done things wrong, or low yield, or send thing will be forwarding to not be optimized. I have been working on my resiliency to this as it can be very triggering to me.

I will be back to add more soon. Duty calls.