Man going through Divorce

[sigmoid]

AS a man going through divorce I just dont understand how to cope with things...My wife, her lawyer and judge are out there to possibly extract the last dime out of me. I have limited access to my kid and merely a visitor in my child's life. Travelling to court and back takes one whole day. Nobody listens let alone sympathize with me. I feel like a failure when I have to pay huge loads of money to her, while she probably is f** around.  Unless I am ready to give her an extravagant sum of money she is not ready to to divorce me.At this point I just dont know how to continue further.

[mynewunit]

This is a somewhat common problem in the trooper community. Really it is in every community and here. The obvious coaching is Detach. If you think of it as a government document, it is much simpler. The children, emotions, history, confuse things when it comes to your hard earned money, time, and future.
Feeling like a failure. I understand. You feel like you are literally paying for a bad decision. You need a new focus. What is the exit plan? Where are you headed? If the answer is an extravagant sum, Name it and do it. If you got to work Saturdays, Saturdays go to the End.
As for the divorce in general. Find someone else to listen. Your story sounds like everyone else's. Get someone to talk to and Get a divorce coach. Someone who has gone through it, knows the paperwork, court stuff, social services, etc. Doesn't have to be a lawyer. Another guy, book, Cordell and Cordell.

[jmk822sfs]

Hey Brother,

Hang in there. I'm not in your shoes and I don't know about your situation, but I've been divorced twice (currently married) and was in a similar situation with my two boys. I was at a location which was surrounded with her family and I had virtually nobody around. How I handled it was coming to the realization that there are some things that are in my control and that there are some things that are out of my control. I literally wrote all of those things down and then focused on the things that were in my control from that point forward. Some of those things included going to the gym, clearing my head in the outdoors (hunting and fishing), eating better, taking classes, etc. My attorney wasn't much of a help to me so I ended up doing most of the negotiating for the divorce. But, when it came to the child support it didn't make a difference what the amount was because my mind was at ease knowing that I was "providing" for my kids. I actually had to get a second job in the evenings to pay for the child support, but that was ok in my mind.

Divorce is messy, especially when kids are involved. But I can tell you that although you feel as though you're sinking now and the world's against you...it does get better. You will survive. You're kids will be ok. And, you will open up a new chapter in your life that will include your kids, just in a different capacity. Kids are smart and attentive. As they grow up they'll realize things that will make them question events despite what has or is being told to them.

In the meantime, my recommendation is to write down attainable goals to better yourself and FOCUS on what's necessary to achieve those goals. Things will get better!

JMK822SFS

[tones]

sigmoid

I have some advice ... real world advice ... from my own experience (divorce 2 children) ... about how to manage this situation ...

you have to hear some tough news and deal with your situation in a proactive and realistic frame of mind ... this is your reality now ... if you continue in the same frame of mind that contributed to the partnership breakdown... (assume no more than 50% of the blame is down to you)... then you have little chance of progressing to an outcome where you gain some semblance of control and potential to salvage a good outcome for yourself and your child...

Priority No1 - accept that your marriage is over ... you have to set new positive priorities that reflect this unavoidable fact... and move on... and you will move on and be a better person... believe me
Priority No2 - "while she probably is f** around"... avoid the aggressive blame and criticism game... this will lead to an endless cycle of bad feelings and he said \ she said... etc that could go on for 20 years
Priority No3 - your former wife is now an independent person who can do what she likes... its none of your business... Sorry but that's the truth... you have to accept this... move on... and look to establish a new relationship with her based on a shared interest in your child... shared interest and shared parenting...

If you can manage the above, you will be able to remove a lot of the extreme emotions and refocus on your child and yourself... You want the best out of this bad situation... go for a positive outcome... treat your former partner with respect... if you are able to be in the same place, treat her space with respect... don't just walk in without an invite... its not yours anymore... Aim for small wins that will add up over a period of time.... Offer to look after your child if your former partner is busy at night.... Offer to take your child for one night every mid week so you are sharing the parenting load.... don't get angry if she says no.... just accept it.... eventually she will relent on this.... be proactive and whatever you do don't question your child about who mummy is seeing.... avoid that topic... don't drag the child into the argument.... concentrate on doing positive stuff so the report back home is very positive....

Important - Accept your former wife will be the principal carer for your child... the courts always prefer this outcome... and then work to slowly build up the time your child spends with you... I did this and it reduced my payments to my former wife and she was happy to get a break from the parenting...

as one of the other commenters noted... your lawyer may not be a lot of help and you will have to educate yourself about the relevant alimony or child payments... this was my experience as well... try to negotiate a fair amount based on your knowledge of the provisions... go to your local tax authority and get as much information as you can about how family \ alimony payments work... look it up on-line..... the more often you have your child in your care..... the less money you should have to pay... it pays to establish a good working relationship with your former partner.... not doing so will lose more money.... don't try to bargain on this ... try to move to a position where your child spends more time with you...

Your life has changed .... you have to change.... go to the gym... as the other commenter suggested... look after yourself... get strong... get fit... get organised.... then you will get happy as well... if you can focus on a great outcome for your child you will be much better off.... you can do it....

[jon]

Been there. I can only say don’t surround yourself with negative people and try to live well. Unless you children are toddlers, the money situation is temporary, but you just have to accept that situation. Ultimately, your kids need you to be a positive person to look to, and being all sad and hurt just makes you look weak. Oh, and get a girlfriend, even if she’s not serious. It really puts distance between you and your ex emotionally. Just don’t mix her with the kids if you’re not serious.